My Grandad

In loving memory of

Peter Harvey Jamieson

18 December 1921 - 10 March 2008

To my Grandad

I thank you for always being there,

and helping me out everytime we needed it.

If not for you we could not have got through the last 6 years.

I thank you for being the closest person to a father that i have ever known,

I am sorry I could never tell you that i loved you while you were alive,

I am sorry i never got to say goodbye properly

I love you Grandad

rest in peace

all my love

Rebecca Margaret

Well this has been a very hard weekend for me.
It started off 9.00 o'clock Friday morning, i went to my grandparents house to start clearing it out. (cos my grandad has sold the house and is moving into a rest home.) My grandad was watching everything i did like a hawk commenting as only he can about everything. so i decided to go somewhere he wasn't so i went into the front bedroom and opened the cupboard and found that everything in that cupboard was left the way my Nana had left it, and everything in there reminded me of her, i had to get out so i went upstairs and started cleaning out there. I was glad that one of my friends asked me out for lunch that day just to get away from the place.
Saturday started by watching a game of soccer and seeing a bunch of people get extremely wet.
I arrived at my grandparents house at about 12.30 and already the whole family was on edge cos my grandad was getting wound up. He told us off for throwing everything out, including an electric blanket that had scorch marks all over it.
We filled up his garage with stuff to sell and two massive skips and to be honest there is still lots of crap to go.
By the end of the night everyone had had enough, and most of the family got into the plonk to calm the nerves after a day with Harvey (my Grandad).
Sunday started very early with a garage sale, we opened the doors at eight and had about 7 guys run up the drive at us.
I decided to go to church and when i got there Aaron Stewart was talking on how we collect so my crap and we no use for it really. and its so true the amount of stuff we through out and sold, to be honest there is no need for any of it really.
The day ended with everything being sold and Grandad in a fowl mood. to cut alone story short he lost the plot and went mental at all the woman to the point where my mother and i just walked off and left. I burst into to tears cos he's such a nasty man, so horrible.
I went to visit a friend, i just had to get away from family of anything that resembled them.
Later that night i lost it, i was in the shower and i started crying and i couldn't stop to the point where i was on the floor of the shower in a ball hysterically crying. After about half an hour Warwick finally came in to see if i was alright. He turned the water off and picked me up off the floor, dried me and dressed me, all while i was still crying. I was crying for my Nana. she has been dead for 9 months and that was the first time i have cried for her. The first time i allowed myself to grieve. When i eventually stopped crying i felt so much better. like i had been released.
I feel like i am a different person. its weird

Well my last 2 weeks have been very busy. Last weekend was Easter camp, I helped with night shift security. The camp had a very different atmosphere this year. There weren't as many people causing havoc as usual the message in the meetings was real and the music had a very different effect on people. People didn't leave the camp with the typical hype, What was said was real and there was no denying it. It seemed to stick with people, it was a really awesome camp in that respect.
In the Opawa youth group there was some great bonding time and most people got on really well together. There were a couple of really disappointing incidents that i just wont go into.
But other than those the camp on a whole was a success.
Great catching up with people i hadn't seen for a while as well.
A weekend with little sleep from 6 on Thursday morn till 8 Monday night i had 13 hours sleep and surprisingly i was still functioning.
Then on Tuesday i had work, so without a day off from Easter camp i have done 7 days work which is 46.75 hours as well as being a full time mum.
Today is my first day off and i am just relaxing.
My full time shifts finished this week and i am back to part time work, which i am very pleased about cos it was just taking everything out of me and i was no good for my kids.

25

On sunday i turned 25.
I had a great weekend spent with people that mean much to me, I got some awesome presents, thanks guys.
I also went to watch the sunrise on sunday morning, but it was hidden by the clouds.
It made me realise that i have some really great friends, that do funny little things for me to cheer me up. you guys rock and i am pretty sure you know who you are.
Thank you to all who helped make this one of my most enjoyable birthdays yet

Note to self

Don't eat chocolate covered coffee beans after 10pm, its just not worth it.

I have never felt as lost as i do at the moment.
I have always been a person that knows what i want and how to get it.
and in most cases i have got what i wanted.
But everything is a blur at the moment, in every aspect of my life
I don't know what i want to do, i don't know where i am supposed to be.
I am so confused
I need direction
BTW: its 3.30 on sunday morning and i need sleep, lack of sleep might have something to do with the cloudyness
but i cant sleep cos its a scary thing to watch somebody die.
strange
blah blah blah

death

Today i arrived at work to hear one of my favourite residents passed away in the morning.
I new she was sick, but was not expecting it to be so soon. This lady was a dementia resident who was over in the amber wing with me when i worked there and she followed me to hospital. So i have been a carer of her for 3 years. She was lovely and beautiful person and i will miss her.

As i went about my job today, one of the other carers asked me to help her with a resident. (This resident was also very sick) As we were doing her cares this lady looked not good, then all of a sudden her breathing changed, We left the room and got the RN and we tidied up the room, then all the staff that was on duty sat by her and spoke to her as she quietly slipped away.
I was so pleased she was not alone. I would hate that.

The first time i had ever seen a dead body was my Nana. This lady died the same way and it is the first time i have ever seen somebody die.
I don't quite know how i feel, a bit shaken, sad.

Death is such a strange thing, a person that has always been there is gone. How are you supposed to deal with that.
is there any special way to move on, or i don't know

To be completely honest i have not dealt with the death of my Nana yet, for one i don't know how and 2, everyone who is close to me ran away until they thought i had dealt with it so they didn't have to be there for me.
My family doesn't talk about things
so i am just left hanging, wondering what to do
how to deal with anything really.