aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Things are getting a bit stressful around here at the moment. Alyssa is struggling with the new adition to our family and is acting up, we are still not earning enough to cover our bills and have been living off money that was ment to buy things we need with, and now that the money is almost gone, we still don't have any of the things we need. Every now and then the lack of sleep catches up to me. I have a house I seem to be constantly cleaning and it is always a mess, and my husband isn't coping with his work load. We feel alone and that there is no one we can talk to to vent our frustrations.
The only thing that is getting me through is holding on to God with everything I have left and just having faith that everything will be ok, that God will look after us.
Georgia is a very easy baby and doesn't wake to much in the night, she is a joy, Alyssa is getting used to Georgia but I have to keep my eye on her constanly as she has started to become violent with hitting, kicking, punching, slapping and biting and we don't know how to stop it. All I can do is pray and keep praying about everything cos the only way I am coping is with Gods strength because I have none left.

Ladies Camp

I have just spent the last weekend at ladies camp (of course I took the baby with me)
The first session I open my notebook and realise I had a piece of paper with me from exactly 3 years ago this weekend from another ladies camp I had been on.
It was a word from God about a deep down sadness I have inside of me and how joy tries to come up from inside but I wont let it.
I realised I hadn't dealt with this I still am exactly the same as I was three years ago but I just think I have got better at hiding it.
The second session the speaker said happiness comes from within, no matter how "perfect" your life is, you know the perfect family, the perfect career, and a flash house or something to that effect won't make you happy.
I realised that all the things I had been chasing to make me happy, won't
I have to find the happiness within.
I then started to think about the next part of this word and I realised even more about myself.
I am afraid to let people love me, care for me or show affection to me. This includes my husband and God. I don't know why but I think its because if I let people love me I have to let them in (break down the wall, my defense mechanism) and this comes to a fear of rejection or being hurt.
So ladies camp was a real eye opener to what I have to deal with to let God in, I just have to stop being so scared to be loved and cared for. Now I know what I am dealing with it is much easier to work through.
I just want to thank all the people that made it possible for me to go to camp as I really needed it.

Healing

It has been one week since the birth of Georgia and what a healing experience it has been. There were 3 things I wanted to do with this baby that I missed out on having Alyssa and I got to do all of them.
1) Have a natural birth
2)Be the first to hold the baby
3) Be the first to bath the baby
Its hard to describe the feeling that I have but I feel like a whole woman where as before I don't think I really did.
My husband asked me do I hold it against Alyssa for having a c-section and I said no of course not the problem wasn't with her, it was me, did I have the ability to do it. I love both my girls very much and how they came into the world has no effect on how I look at them it is more about how I look at my self.

I seem to have slipped back into being a mother of a baby really easily. I am finding that a second child is much easier than a first cos you know what you are doing and you already have one to look after so the new edition just has to slip into your life.
I am still on a high from the birth and I didn't even get the third day blues, I have more energy now than I did when I was pregnant, and at this stage things are going well.

When Georgia was born she was 7lb 14 which is pretty good considering she was so far over due and her sister who was on time was 7lb 11. By day six she was over her birth weight. My midwife said it can take up to 2 week for a baby to get back to their birth weight so I was pretty pleased with my achievement cos she is being fully breastfed.

Well worth the wait

Monday at 8.30 in the morning we finally got the phone call to say when the specialist appointment will be, it was at 4.45 that evening. Oh great a whole day of being nervous waiting for this appointment.
Anyway the appointment came and the specialist said there is a 30% chance of having a c-section and a 70% chance of not. The specialist seemed confident that the induction would work and was quite happy to let them go ahead.
Monday night my midwife rung and said the hospital wasn't busy and I could go in whenever we wanted. Warwick said lets go tomorrow, wow tomorrow, so I was booked in. I didn't like the idea of having the induction so soon, I could have waited another day or two (being induced was a scary thought to me).
7.45 on Tuesday morning we were at chch Woman's to meet the midwife, she did an internal exam and said that my cervix still had not effaced. At 8.30 the doctor came in to assess my case. He was not very hopeful, he said they will only try the gel twice then see if I go into labour over night if not I was to be booked in for a c-section first thing Wednesday morning.
After the doctor left I just lay on the bed and didn't say anything, I was quite disappointed. My midwife inserted the gel and put me on the monitors, within ten minutes I felt a tightening, all of a sudden I perked up.
At 11.00 Warwick went to get some lunch and my midwife went to visit another client (thinking we were in for the long hall). Of course while I was by myself labour really kicked in, Warwick came back in the room to find me doubled over in pain. At 12.45 I was 3 cm dialated, that was when I decided to get an epidural (in my mind I still had hours to go cos it took 13 hours to dialate the rest of the way with Alyssa). By the time the epidural was in but still wasn't working I felt this amazing urge to push. To everyone's surprise I was fully dialated at 13.35.
Georgia was born by ventouse at 2.26pm, which means I had a vaginal delivery and a labour that only lasted 3 hours.
Praise God

The picture is of my two girls Alyssa and Georgia